“i don’t want people to think that i think that i’m smarter than them, but i DO want them to think that i know what i’m talking about.”

dick martin died last night. pants are half-mast in downtown burbank.

if you need your jaw dropped, go to ROWAN AND MARTIN’S LAUGH-IN on wikipedia and take a look at the list of guests that appeared on the show. or you can look it up on your funkandwagnalls.com.

thanks, dick!

finally, i can sit down and answer some of my email. better do it fast, before my computer battery makes my hand too hot!

Q: hey, blaine! am i spelling that right? “blaine”?
A: you sure are!

Q: dude, you suck. why are you so not funny?
A: because i had an accident as a child that rendered me funnyless, THANKS.

Q: i have a friend that kinda looks like you. what should i do?
A: kill him. there can be only one. ow! i pulled my larynx trying to do a christopher lambert impression!

Q: dude, i’m sorry about saying you suck. i didn’t know you had an accident that made you funnyless.
A: yeah, well, i did.

Q: knock knock!
A: sorry, no unsolicited material.

Q: are you appearing anywhere TONIGHT, MONDAY, APRIL 28?
A: yeah! i’m hosting the TIGER LILY comedy show at cuba libre, which used to be tiger lily, which used to be the hollywood hills cafe, which used to be michael’s, which used to be pedro’s, which used to be an ancient indian burial ground, which used to be an arby’s. and it’s free!

A: hey, i’m sorry i snapped at you earlier.
Q: who, me?
A: yeah. i get a little sensitive when i talk about…about the accident.
Q: it’s okay. your marmaduke joke was funny.
A: aw, thanks.

Q: have you ever met reba mcentire?
A: nope. sorry.
Q: how about that alan alda? have you ever met him? and i have a follow-up.
A: no, sorry, i haven’t met him either. your follow-up?
Q: why haven’t you met them?
A: i just haven’t.

Q: isn’t your hand getting pretty hot?
A: it sure is!

whew! now i can drag all that shit to my trash and free up some space. thanks for reading!

los angeles is a cobb salad of people! you’ve got your hard-boiled eggs, your bacon bits, your lettuce, your bugs on the lettuce, your ham cubes, your whatever elses…all working together to get half-eaten, then wrapped to take home and left to go off in the fridge! and they all wear shiny shirts, even when when it’s hot.

in today’s celebrity “sightings”: guich koock, conrad janis, a landers sister, gallagher 2, jenny agutter, na from sha na na, french stewart, geraldine, idi amin, tanya tucker, tommy tutone, tiny tim, travis tritt, terry-thomas, tom t. hall, patton oswalt, genevieve bujold jr., jay north, george jetson, the matchbox 20 guy, robert “butts in line at pinks” guillaume, michael cera, charlyne yi.

(actually, it was ben “butts in line at pinks” vereen — ed.)

(MORE AFTER THE JUMP, WHICH IS THIS, I GUESS.)

APRIL 22
• marina music, a tiny guitar shop in culver city (centinela and culver). the place was crawling with filmy types filming a film. suddenly there’s a squeaky voice yelling, “blaine! blaine capatch!” i looked over to see MICHAEL CERA (the guy from those trailers). i thought, a. i don’t know michael cera, and b. why is his voice so squeaky? then i saw CHARLYNE YI’S head. she was jumping up and down behind a stack of amps. i think they were shooting a quiznos ad or something. michael cera looks much older, fatter, blacker, and a woman than he does in people magazine. i would have taken a picture, but i sat on my phone wrong and the battery froze.

APRIL 22 1/2
• i was at that place and i saw that guy from that movie where the dude and his bros pulled that heist and it backfired and shit. that shit was fucked up! it was totally him, too. i said “dude!” and he looked. he was with that chick from that show. she got all mad when i asked her to sign my dick. what a bitch!

APRIL 23
• rat-tat-tooey’s PATTON “QUINCH” OSWALT dressed like wonder woman and rolling dudes at golden apple for supergrass tix. he’s had more tits installed. gotta say it…FAKE! lose the spray tan, too.

today is the democratic primary in my home state of pennsylvania. i predict joe paterno by a fatslide!

(margin of error 3%)

puce julius!

if it doesn’t work out, i can always roll the pucing machinery back into my boba chain. either way, i’m gonna make out like fuckin’ croesus.

…where my snake, mr. slithers, had melted the glass in his tank by glowing hot like a tungsten filament. when i tried to grab him and stuff him in a pillowcase, his head would glow and he’d corkscrew away, leaving tracers like somebody waving a sparkler.

i blame el pollo loco’s queso crunch burrito. but hurry — it’s only available for a limited time!

VIRGO: you will wait out the cat poo on the rug until it’s dry enough to peel off and then fabreze the rug until fabreze soaks through the ceiling of the apartment downstairs.
lucky numbers: none.

the tulsa skull swingers start their monthly residency at the steve allen theater in “hollywood”. steve thinks it’s great! 8pm.

THINGS TO DO TODAY:

– sell a bass to a guy in japan named guts-guts.

– clean streak of cat poo off kitchen floor.

– “do” laundry. know what i mean?

i just heard somebody peeling out from cheetahs. nice!